Tape Loop

"Tape Loop" digital art ©2015

Grief. Stage One...Shock & Denial

July, 2013-I'm standing in my parents bedroom taking pictures after Mom's death. Dad died the year before. I have to leave to travel far away soon and I know that everything will be changed. I am taking pictures because I know it will never be the same. I am thinking of how we leave a record of ourselves, even in where we choose to leave our “stuff”. Mom always hated letting go of things and it shows. But I don't care. It's a part of a record of her, and it will soon be gone. Her plants, Her cluttered dresser tops. Dad's spare change jar, his collection of missionary name tags. 

Everything. Gone. 

I can hardly stand to think about it. This room has been my place of refuge since I was a little girl and I used to climb in bed with them when I had nightmares. I used to watch for their car headlights from their bedroom window. Waiting for them to come home from a rare evening out together. Waiting for that one car to turn down our long lane.  I would go to their room to talk to them when I came in late from high school activities. When at age sixteen, I got my first driving ticket, I came to them in tears. In college, I would come to kiss them goodnight. My room was nearby and I could hear their low muffled voices at night, making me feel so safe as I drifted to sleep. In my middle age, I climbed in between them after they had each had strokes. Knowing then that daybreak wasn't going to take this bad dream away.  No, I don't want to change anything. If everything stays the same, I can believe that they might still come home.

April 18th is their wedding anniversary.

Mom & Dad, this song is for you... and for all of us who have lost someone irreplaceable.

Tape Loop- click this link to hear the song on soundcloud 

Love, Tina

Thanks to everyone who encouraged me to face my anxiety and finish the songs.
Image, lyrics and music copyright 2014-15 Tina M Welter
all rights reserved.

Twinks loves Easter

"Twinks loves Easter" 10"x 8" oil on gessobord

Twinks is a pretty little cat I had the chance to "cat sit" for ten days for a neighbor.  She is a cat after my own heart, since she is shy and a bit of a 'fraidy cat too.  After she decided I was all right, there wasn't enough ear scratching possible, which is why I took my camera to catch her rubbing her ears on her basket.  I find her smile irresistible. 

This is a fairly new style for me to try, since I added a lot more elements than are in the original photo.  To help myself, I actually created a digital collage first of what I wanted the finished painting to look like.  It did help, but I still encountered a good bit of creative anxiety in dealing with the complex weave of the basket and the grass texture had me worried too.

Even more powerful was the huge dose of the discouragement tar on my soul that was really slowing me down.  This last month I have finally had to admit that financially, I need to go find another job.  I have been putting all my energy this last year into getting my on-line art business up and going. I am maintaining a regular presence on Etsy, Fine Art America, Instagram,Twitter,Pinterest, Facebook and Blogspot, plus launched a newsletter, but it just isn't enough yet.  It's been hard for me to come to terms with.  I always think if I just work harder, the money will happen, which may be true, but in this case it just isn't happening fast enough.  Since I was so focused on achieving this particular goal, job hunting feels like I failed and that is a distracting emotion. Plus, I get this awful little voice in my head telling me "why paint and push yourself so hard, no one really cares if you get it done on time or not".  This may be true, but it isn't a particularly helpful or motivating voice. 

In thinking it over, I am actually proud of myself for fighting through the discouragement sludge and getting this painting completed, even if I missed my deadline.  Twinks really is adorable and that doesn't change.  I hope her smile is contagious for you too, no matter what time of year it is. 
 
What do you tell yourself to get out of the discouragement tar pit?

>^-^<
Tina

ps. I'll be sharing my digital collage with my newsletter subscribers in the next issue. If you are interested,please sign up and get my latest newsletter about "To Fear or Not to Fear" as well.

If you would like to see an example of one my newsletters, here is one I posted on LinkedIn.  Fear Equals "Real" Artist? (click to read)